Reparations? No Thanks
By Peter Burrows 4/8/19 firstname.lastname@example.org
Years ago, the billionaire Warren Buffett was asked about the secret to his success and he said something like, “Well, first, I was born in America. I won that lottery.”
Indeed, to be born in America is a Heaven-sent blessing and is not something any of us can take credit for, which is one reason why I refuse to take any money from my black brothers and sisters, who are understandably grateful to be living here and not in Africa.
Furthermore, my ancestors came to America from Ireland in the 1840s and had no connection to the slave trade, which means I can’t point to any black and say, “You here because of me, so pony up!”
My Scotch-Irish ancestors settled in Chicago and while they were probably abolitionists, I can’t prove it. Also, I’m pretty certain none of them joined the Union Army during the Civil War which means I’m not entitled to any reparations for that, either.
Bottom line: blacks don’t owe me anything for either bringing them to America as slaves, or for then shedding blood to free them. Since reparations are supported by most of the Democratic Party’s presidential candidates, I can’t in good conscience vote for any of them.
That doesn’t mean, however, that I won’t keep any reparations money that comes my way. After all, I’m an old white dude who’s entitled to receive a little gratitude from all those pro basketball players, hip-hop artists, and other millionaire blacks.
Plus, Roberta Flack has not answered any of the letters I’ve sent her over the years which has hurt my feelings no end. That’s a little personal, but it’ll make reparations from blacks easier to take, though not as easy as reparations from Italians would be.
You’re thinking, “Italians? What are you talking about, Burro?” Let me explain.
Cicero, the Roman statesman and philosopher who died in 51 BC, once advised his fellow Romans not to buy slaves from the British Isles because he found them “difficult to train,” i.e. stupid. This proves that Italians owned slaves who were my ancestors, ergo Italians owe me reparations.
Rubbing salt in the wound, Cicero showed contempt for my relatives by insulting their intelligence. He disrespected them. He dissed them, in fact, he be dissin’ me, the Dago Wop bastard! The next time I gets me a pizza from Papa John’s, I AIN’T PAYIN!!!
Why, the more I think about reparations, the more sense it makes. I must be a Democrat.