Wanted: Volunteers for Facemask Enforcement, a “Futuristic” news special to The Grant County Beat by Peter Burrows firstname.lastname@example.org – silvercityburro.com 8/10/20
With Silver City’s new ordinance mandating facemasks, many concerned citizens are worried that the local police force will not be able to handle the increased responsibilities. In addition, some are concerned that facemasks alone may not be enough.
“The facemask law is a good start, but people should also be required to carry yardsticks. Social distancing is just as important,” declared George Julien. “Hell, three feet may not be enough,” he added.
Julien was one of three senior citizens interviewed yesterday while they were having lunch at a picnic table at the El Viejo burrito stand on Broadway and Hwy. 90.
Another diner, Skip Thacker, was more concerned about enforcement: “It’s a typical ‘feel good’ piece of virtue signaling,” he said of the new ordinance. “Who’s going to make sure golfers and tennis players are in compliance? What about joggers, bicyclers and people walking laps at Fox Field?”
“We need some active citizen support,” chimed in the third person at the table, who identified himself only as El Burro, “and I don’t mean just social shamers, you know, those people who scream at you to put a mask on while you’re at Walmart.”
Julien and Thacker both agreed, with Julien saying, “The cops have got enough to do without this facemask law, even though the law is obviously necessary and is something we should all be damned proud of.”
All three agreed that a citizens’ task force was needed to send volunteers to monitor places like tennis courts, hiking trails, and golf courses, especially golf courses.
Thacker, a frequent golfer at the city-owned golf course, said, “It is just disgusting to see people without masks just walking down the fairway, hitting golf balls, or on a green putting, especially on a green just putting away, as if they had no responsibility to the rest of us. I’ve tried to reason with such people, but we need deputized volunteers, ARMED volunteers, to deal with such scofflaws”
El Burro said, “I couldn’t agree more. Not wearing a facemask should be the same as assault with a deadly weapon. BOOM! Bye, bye, evil-dirty-bastard-germ-spreader.”
Julien added that “barefacers” deserve the same punishment as climate deniers, Islamophobes and other racists: “Hang the bastards.”
Everybody nodded in agreement and the conversation turned to how exemplary Silver City’s new law was. This reporter noted that it was rumored that a CNN crew had recently tried to interview Mayor Ken Ladner about the progressive new ordinance, but since the CNN crew was from out-of-state, the Mayor had requested that they first enter into a 15-day quarantine.
El Burro said that, if true, it only showed that common sense was alive and well here in Silver City.
(Note to readers: The above is entirely fictional. Old friends George and Skip are real enough, but not the quotes attributed to them, although they approved of the “quotes.” PB)